


you're a force of nature (look what you've done)

by sapphicreputation



Category: Ranya - Fandom, The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom, linctavia - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, clarke is depressed and grieving, everyone will be happy i promise, i promise everyone will be happy eventually, lexa is trying to manouver her life after clarke, ranya and linctavia fans will also be fed, raven and octavia are the bestest friends ever, sike that doesn't last long
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-11 10:51:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17445503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicreputation/pseuds/sapphicreputation
Summary: It's their junior year. Clarke is trying to navigate her way through losing everything that's ever made her happy. Lexa is attempting to rebuild her life after Clarke. Everyone else is there to play damage control.Clarke & Lexa eventually find their way back to each other - it won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.





	1. something about you & i

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first fic. It would appear, even three years later, Clexa are still my greatest muse. This is gonna be angsty, fluffy - basically a ride from start to finish. I'm a sucker for a happy ending though, so we'll get there eventually. xo

Morning runs had grown to be Lexa’s solace. She found an indescribable sensation of peace whilst pacing the streets of New York, chasing the sunrise to see who could be faster. It allowed her to gather her thoughts, to plan her schedule, or to simply think about nothing at all. Today proved no different; after silencing her 6am alarm and leaving a sleeping Costia peacefully in their double bed, she sauntered around their bedroom, dressing herself to meet the conditions of a rapidly cooling August. 

Summer was coming to a close, and the late night sunsets was something Lexa just wasn’t ready to let go of yet. She’d grown accustomed to the evenings spent nursing glasses of wine, talking the world to rights with her girlfriend and close knit group of friends on her spacious balcony. Wrapped in blankets next to her love, with all her favourite people in view, laughter and wine flowing - there were no moments that made her happier. Of course, the ceasing of Summer also brought the commencement of college. It was her junior year at the University of Arcadia - one of the countries’ most renowned educational facilities. Despite the prestige her University held, her chosen major did not. At least, not in her parents eyes. Lexa wasn’t usually one to care for how others viewed her, but considering the fact it was her parents paying to put her through college, she couldn’t help but feel as though she’d disappointed them by not going down the STEM route they’d hoped she would.

Lexa loved pleasing people - it gave her a weird sense of validation she could never quite describe. It was because of this that she desperately tried to have her heart set on the likes of biochemistry, or physics or medicine when it came down to college applications. Yet, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself that her creativity could become a hobby, she just couldn’t bring herself to apply for anything that wasn’t music related. Breaking that news to her parents wasn’t a memory she was quick to want to relive. Attempting to soften the blow by bargaining to do a Digital Media and Music combined honours degree, she pleaded with them that they’re spending so much of their hard earned money whatever she chooses, she may as well be happy in what she studies. Despite their initial begrudging, her parents eventually agreed, largely due to the fact they knew their daughter was a head strong individual who would get her own way despite what any authoritative figures tried to tell her. They subtly admired that in her.

 

\------------------------

 

Whilst the thought of college recommencing made some squeal with glee; the thought of being free to roam around the familiar dorm halls with their best friends and a taste of independence only college could grant, for others it was a trigger of sheer dread. For others, it meant being left to self destruct, to deal with their ever spiraling mental health combined with repressed grief. It meant continually heading back towards the abyss they were all too familiar with by now. Clarke Griffin knew this narrative all too well.

She’d never meant for her college experience to end up like this - she was supposed to be one of the talented ones. She graduated high school top of her class and was voted one to watch in the process. She had the most commended academic scholarship the University had to offer. Essentially, she had the world at her fingertips. That is, until one day it all came crumbling down around her whilst she helplessly watched. 

Her arrival at the University of Arcadia was a feeling she’ll never forget - she’d never tasted this sort of freedom before. Long gone was high school; the bitchiness, the drama, the rumours. Everything was new - full of promise. Her parents looked on to the view of their daughter taking in the scenery - arms outstretched, slowly twirling around as the sun hit her blonde curls in a way that made them look to be glowing. It was a scene straight out of a movie. She had everything she could’ve ever wanted - two parents that supported her wholeheartedly, a full ride to the university of her dreams and most importantly, a fresh start. This was going to be the making of Clarke Griffin, that much she was sure of.

Sadly, much like most coming of age movies, that euphoria came crashing down eventually. It happened at the beginning of her sophomore year; everything fell apart in some cruel, twisted synchronization. Her father died following a car collision; an idiotic drunk driver fell asleep at the wheel, t-boning straight into Jake Griffin’s car. He died on impact. The memory of her mother shrieking that her father was gone over the phone still haunts her. She’s certain it always will. She was in her Women’s Renaissance seminar at the time - her favourite module thus far. Of course, she ensured her Literature degree was as centric to women’s writing as possible. It was what sparked her interest the most - the progression of female authors throughout the years as society slowly began to deem them as equals opposed to lessers. The idea of evolving from being allowed to solely exist in the domestic sphere to rebelling and demanding their place in the societal sphere - it inspired Clarke. She’ll forever be bitter that such heart shattering news tainted her ability to lose herself in the discourse of such inspiring seminars.

The months that followed the turmoil of losing her father so cruelly were as bitter as one could imagine. Unaccustomed to dealing with grief, she lost herself. Isolating herself from everyone she’d grown close to, leaving her room only to occasionally force herself to make food and use the bathroom - she was a shadow of her former self. It was during this period that she resorted to self destruction; learning sooner rather than later that nothing soothed her hurting quite like nursing a bottle of vodka, straight. The new image of herself that developed as a result was bleak. Her attendance to the once loved classes became scarce, with not even threats of her scholarship being revoked enough to motivate her to get out of bed. 

Come Christmas, Clarke was sure she’d met rock bottom. Not without one final blow, however. Her new persona was that of a hateful, withdrawn individual, which eventually cost her the second most important relationship. She lost her beautiful, smart, angelic girlfriend. She lost her Lexa. 

\---------------

Satisfied that she’d run enough to hit her daily cardio target, Lexa slowed her pace. She allowed herself a few moments to catch her breath whilst taking in the scenes around her. According to her watch, it was a little before 8am. Coupled with the fact it was a Saturday, she understood why so much of the city that supposedly never slept still looked like a ghost town. Shop shutters remained prevalent all along the streets, with only a handful of early birds briskly taking in as much of the warmth they had left, with dog leashes in hand. She even saw one man walking his ferret - a sight she didn’t even think to question, three years into living in New York. She learnt that this place bred the most peculiar of people. She loved it though. 

Her walk back to her studio apartment was peaceful; she mentally planned out her day. So far the only things on her list was picking up a Starbucks for her and Costia followed by waking her girlfriend up to play Mario Kart together. As mature as Lexa prided herself on being, the purchase of a Nintendo Switch had brought back her inner child. The one that used to spend her days hunched over her various consoles playing whichever game she was yet to defeat. Her parents were unsurprisingly disapproving of their daughters hobby, claiming she was going to be cross-eyed by the time she turned thirteen. Nevertheless, when Costia had brought it home for the pair as a house-warming present, the shrieks of sheer joy that ripped out of Lexa were comical. Though her relationship was still new, she adored Costia for allowing her to be her authentic, often childlike self around her. 

A few blocks prior to her apartment, she entered her favourite Starbucks. Despite there being three on every street in New York (and no, that isn’t Lexa being hyperbolic. Or maybe it is. Kinda.), the quietness of it provided her a refuge to study, to read, to bring her girlfriend when they needed a change of scenery. The staff in there were people she recognised from college too - no one too familiar, just frequent faces that she’d been served by enough to pass them a knowing smile when their paths collided in the hallways. Following on from the mental recognition of familiarity, one of the barista’s gave her a welcoming smile when they heard the overhead bell ring as she entered. 

‘Hey, you’re early today!’ the girl behind the counter chirped - the clock was only just signalling 8am, yet the staff were in remarkably high spirits. 

‘Hi Monroe,’ Lexa replied, the girls obnoxious name tag serving as her saving grace. ‘You know how it is, early bird catches the worm!’ They laughed, sharing a moment of cliche excuses for being awake  _ so  _ early on a Saturday.

‘Is it the usual?’

‘Yes, plus a large black iced tea lemonade please. Oh, and two of the stacks of pancakes.’ The brunette paused for a moment, eyeing the collection of snacks on offer behind the glass guard. ‘Also, two of the pancake stacks - extra syrup please.’

‘Are you responsible for nurturing a small army and didn’t think to tell us?’ One of the taller, male baristas joked as he set about preparing their drinks.

‘Unfortunately not Roan, just me and my girlfriend. I’m in a good mood, so naturally she can have whatever she wishes from Starbucks today.’ Lexa quipped back.

‘Oh wow Lex, you sure know how to treat a girl,’ Roan winked before heading back behind the coffee machine.

Having paid for her small buffet of treats for her and her love, Lexa awkwardly began the journey back to her apartment, attempting to juggle two large drinks filled with ice that were threatening to stack over and spill at any moment alongside her paper bag filled of pancakes. Ten minutes later, cold brews and pancakes intact, Lexa was finally back in bed. She was sure to be gentle when waking Costia up - not wanting to startle her. Her girlfriend was  _ not  _ a morning person, this much Lexa knew. She’d found out the hard way one morning, attempting to be spontaneous by waking her up for a breakfast date, only to be met by aggressive growls from Costia before she pulled the duvet back over her head and fell back asleep.

‘Good morning sunshine, the world says hello’ Lexa cooed whilst carefully peppering kisses up her girlfriend’s exposed arm. The way the sunlight was delicately hitting her skin through the blinds made Costia look like something straight out of an art gallery - a vision Lexa wanted to capture forever. 

‘Lex, there better be a good reason you’re waking me up at not even nine on a Saturday morning’ Costia groaned back, she wasn’t awake enough to be affectionate just yet.

‘Well, that’s the thing...there is.’ Lexa smirked back. ‘I brought us Starbucks, and went through an interrogation from the staff in the process.’

The news of food and iced beverages was enough to force a smile on Costia’s sleep heavy features. She slowly rose from the bed and propped herself upright against the headboard. She took one look at the arrangement of breakfast treats Lexa had placed at the end of the bed before initiating a sweet kiss between the pair. Costia worried Lexa’s bottom lip between her teeth, working her up just slightly, before pulling back and reaching for her iced tea.

‘Starbucks  _ and  _ the sight of you in workout clothes? Wow, you really know the way to my heart, Woods.’ Such a quick witted remark from her girlfriend had Lexa’s cheeks turning rosy in an instant. It was the small moments like this that reminded her of the love she deserved.

She missed Clarke occasionally - it was impossible for her not to. Every now and then, she’d stumble across a certain title in the library that the brunette was sure her former girlfriend would love. Occasionally, she was sure she could still smell Clarke’s perfume lingering on her old hoodies, regardless of how much she washed them. Despite this, she had to be strong enough to remember the heartbreak Clarke put her through - she knew it wasn't’t her fault. She was hurting, more than Lexa knew how to handle. Between the self-destructing, the periods of time she’d completely slip off the grid, and the anger Clarke often spouted towards Lexa, it all became too much. They were no longer the couple everyone aspired to have a love like; they weren’t compatible anymore, regardless of what any astrology reading told them. 

It took every shred of courage Lexa had to leave Clarke. She knew if she didn’t, she’d end up being dragged down into her destruction. She also knew that this was incredibly selfish - her girlfriend was in the process of losing everything, and she was only adding to it. However, Lexa knew that she also had to learn when to put herself first, and staying in that relationship was only detrimental to the pair of them. The night it happened, Clarke was already half wasted by the time Lexa got there. The blonde was agitated, pulling at the hems of her jumper to desperately try and cover the cuts that littered her arm. Knowing Clarke was doing this much damage to herself completely broke Lexa’s heart, but nothing she did seemed to snap her out of it. By the time Lexa finally managed to tell Clarke she was leaving, the blonde had lost it. Sense had escaped her - she was reduced to a drunken mess excessively screaming for her now ex-girlfriend to get out of her room and never come back. It was only with the reassurance of the blondes roommate Raven that she’d do damage control, she could finally bring herself to leave.

That was first semester of sophomore year however. Lexa was currently sat in bed with her current girlfriend in the second semester of junior year. A lot had changed for her, most of it good. She was good. She just had to continue reminding herself of that.

\-----------

It was 3pm when Clarke finally roused from her alcohol induced comatose state. Looking at the current state of her room, she groaned. She knew she needed to tidy, but what was the point? What was the point in anything? It wasn’t like she had anyone there telling to do so; her roommates left her to do her own thing, her mother was too wrapped up in her own grief to remember to even check she was still alive most of the time and her ex-girlfriend was making a new life for herself with someone new. Clarke even heard that they’d opted to get an apartment together for junior year.  _ Screw you Lex.  _

Clarke allowed herself a few more minutes of stillness - making sure her head caught up to her current situation. Not that it was remotely exciting; she was hungover, as usual. Her head was pounding, her mouth was dry and her stomach was practically begging for food. This state of permanent depression had become a safety blanket for Clarke; if she continued to allow herself to rot, soon enough she’d either come to the realisation that she needs to get her shit together, or her body would give out and a headstone sporting her name would take residence next to her father’s. In all honesty, she wasn’t sure which option she was yearning for most.

Eventually, the blonde found the strength - both physical and mental, to haul herself out of bed. She regretted that decision as soon as her feet hit the floor. She could hear her flatmates conversing in the spacious living area, and then had to prepare herself for whatever interrogation they would force upon her. 

Once finally out of her room, she slowly made her way to the kitchen whilst silently praying her friends would take it easy on her. She knew they were just worried about her, having resigned from trying to help her. It’s not like they didn’t want her to get better, they did. She knew that. However, there were only so many interventions, so many confiscations of anything that she could hurt herself with, so many stern talking to’s that she could expect them to carry out. Eventually they just left her to it under the assurance that they’re always there whenever she needed them.

‘Wow, look what the cat dragged in,’ Raven smirked, the first to lay eyes on the sorry state of the blonde.

‘Griffin, I’m asking this because I love you, but when was the last time you showered? Or even looked in the mirror?’ pressed Octavia. The pair were Clarke’s closest friends - they met in a club the first night freshman year, and became inseparable ever since.

‘Very funny guys. I’m aware of how awful I look, and probably smell. It’s called depression with a side order of grief. You guys should try it sometime,’ Clarke retorted - she didn’t mean it maliciously. The trio had just been through enough together that anything morbid was resolved through dark humour. Only, Clarke’s entire life for the last six months had been said morbid situation, so it seems as though the humour never stopped flowing.

‘Seriously though Clarke, maybe you should take a shower and go for a walk or something. Me and Octavia are free for the rest of the day, why don’t we grab dinner later? Get you some sunlight before it goes away for winter. It might make you feel a bit brighter’ Raven was cautious with her approach to Clarke. Speaking softly, before eventually coming up behind her shorter friend and engulfing her in one of her ‘I’m sorry you’re hurting so much and I promise I’m doing my best to comfort you please just accept this one thing’ hugs. Clarke had grown accustomed to them.

Knowing she had no real excuse to get herself out of the offer, Clarke reluctantly agreed. The girls made plans to head out after five, giving Clarke just under two hours to make herself look human again.

 

//

Eventually, approximately ten minutes late, Clarke was ready. She was dressed casual - a pair of mom jeans sat snugly over her hips, with an old band tee tucked into the waistline of them. She didn’t give herself time to think about who said t-shirt used to belong to. Not whilst Raven and Octavia were waiting for her.

The trio made their way toward the modest student village - an authentic collection of stalls, restaurants and everything in between, to find somewhere to eat. They eventually agreed on a small independent place promising the best eggs on the entirety of campus, a promise that was enough to sell it to Raven.

The evening passed by smoothly, they all kept the conversation light. Octavia informed them of the new crush she’d developed on a guy in her sport physio class. Lincoln something - Clarke wasn’t present enough to take in the finer details. Raven on the other hand, explained in normal people language about the new programme she was working on. Something about being able to FaceTime doctors if you couldn’t make it to a surgery or something. She was always set on making the world as accessible for everyone. Clarke admired that about her.

Once back in the familiarity of their flat, Clarke resigned back to her room. Despite only being outside for a few hours, she was exhausted. The combination of socialising, eating more than she had in roughly three weeks and the late summer sun was enough to render her useless. Though her mood was stable, she debated reaching for the bottle of Scotch under her bed under the premise of a night cap. Something in her decided against it that night, and instead she fell to sleep quicker than she usually would.

She’d grown reluctant to sleep without the influence of alcohol; the spirits helped deaden her dreams. Allowed her an escape from the images of her late father’s mutilated body among a car wreck. The image of the love of her life walking out her bedroom door under the promise of not coming back, because Clarke had finally broken her. Clarke soon regretted the dismissal of the Scotch when she awoke a few hours later in a cold sweat - the nightmares that ransacked her subconscious were enough to make her feel sick.

‘Screw this’ she muttered whilst reaching for the bottle, still lying in the familiar spot next to her bedside lamp. She tossed the cap as she took as big of a swig as she could manage, welcoming the burning sensation that followed. The alcohol gave her some clarity - enough to prompt a few realisations. She missed her dad, that much was a given. She also found herself missing her mother - their relationship became strained after the funeral, both women choosing to deal with their own grief separately. Most of all however, she missed Lexa. She missed her presence in the dead of night when she’d have one of these nightmares. Missed the way even her sleeping form was enough to comfort her. Missed the way she could pry her awake if she needed to talk about a particularly horrifying nightmare. Clarke missed Lexa more than she knew how to handle. It was perhaps due to this, or the alcohol in her system, or both, that she chose to text her. Something she hadn’t done since the night of the break-up. Both women had blocked the other off all social medias following the break up, with the most contact they had being asking after each other briefly when they saw respective friendship groups. Clarke knew this wasn’t going to be fair on either of them, but she didn't’t care. She was hurt, she was scared, she was lonely. She needed Lexa.

**To: Lexa**

Hey Lexa. I hope this message doesn’t wake you up. Unsurprisingly, I’m slightly drunk. Surprisingly, I miss you. I don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by telling you this, but something is telling me that tonight’s the night to break our silence, and tell you I miss you.

I hope you’re well. Clarke.

\-------------


	2. this is not the end of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke regrets the text. Raven and Octavia continue to pull through. Lexa and Costia are still together...but for how long?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for such a nice response to the first chapter! all I can say is, trust the journey. xxx
> 
> tw: mentions of self harm throughout the chapter, but nothing graphic.

The incessant buzzing indicating she had a new text message was enough to rouse Lexa at the ungodly hour of 3am. However, her exhaustion overpowered her need to see who thought to text her at this time. Whatever it was, could wait until her alarm woke her up properly in approximately four hours.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke couldn’t bring herself to do anything but stare at her phone screen for what felt like forever after she’d hit sent. Immediately hit with a wave of emotions, she desperately tried to mentally sort through them. _ Regret _ . That was the most prominent ache currently residing in her chest. She shouldn’t have done that - Lexa had moved on. Rightly so - Clarke understood that now. They both knew their relationship turned detrimental to the pair of them, and they weren’t ignorant enough to try and convince each other otherwise. Lexa had someone new, someone she deserved. Who was Clarke to try and get in the way of that?

 

_ Relief _ . That was the next thing she identified. Whether it be from the adrenaline rush mixed with the Scotch currently floating around her system, Clarke wasn’t sure. Regardless, she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She’d reopened the line of communication between the pair - something the blonde had been yearning to do for a while. She was right in what she told Lexa, she did miss her. She missed her so much, that even if Clarke could no longer have her in a romantic sense, she wanted her friend back. Lexa was the wisest person Clarke had ever come across; she was an old soul trapped in a college body. Whenever Clarke was stuck in her head, mercilessly over-analysing all the pitfalls of the last few months, it was Lexa that could bring her back. Lexa who would reassure her that they were going to work through everything together. Clarke couldn’t allow her brain to revisit those nights anymore, but on the odd occasion, a glimpse of Lexa wrapped up in Clarkes limbs, carefully peppering kisses across her skin as Clarke slowly came down from the clouds of despair she’d worked herself up into entered her mind. Lexa kept her grounded, and even in the absence of romance, Clarke would do anything to have that presence back in her life. 

* * *

 

  
  


_ It was proving to be a particularly difficult night for Clarke. Usually, she could anticipate when her mood was about to drop. Tonight took her by surprise - leaving her no time to prepare. She felt the panic rising in the back of her throat, cold sweats quickly encasing her entire frame. She felt trapped - she was in the library, desperately trying to catch up on three weeks worth of assignments and all she wanted was one day of normal. One day free of the constant regrets, the sadness, the urge to self destruct. It would appear she was asking for too much from the universe. _

_ Quickly excusing herself from the table her friends were occupying, she ran for the nearest bathroom. Her heartbeat was relentlessly drumming in her ears, she felt as though she was about to suffocate. The worst part? It was in public. These sort of attacks only ever occured when she was in the comfort of her room where she was equipped with all of her coping mechanisms, her distractions, her solitude. She felt completely alone in that moment. The only familiarity was the bathroom stalls. Knowing she had to pull it together, she desperately tried to forage through her scrambled mind to recall some of the coping strategies her mum had relayed to her when Clarke revealed she was suffering from panic attacks. Thankfully, something came back to her. She set to work on refocusing herself. What could she see? The scrawls amidst the stall walls. A piece that wrote ‘be gay, do crimes’ - enough to elicit a small smirk from the blonde. Another that was in shaky penmanship, largely down to the uneven texture of the stall wall. It read ‘Zeke <3 Raven’, she took a picture of that and made a mental note to show Raven later. Next, she moved on to smell. She could smell the distinct air freshener that smothered the air. She could smell her own perfume - a sweet scent that Lexa loved, on the basis that it reminded her of her favourite childhood candy. Next, touch. She reached for the toilet roll holder, felt the 3 ply sheets. Scrunched them between her fingers. Next, moved on to the watch that adorned her wrist. It belonged to her father, and he’d always promised Clarke would inherit it, she just didn’t anticipate wearing it so soon after that promise was made. Finally, she assessed what she could hear. The drains running throughout the bathroom, a quiet drip of a faucet that hadn’t been switched all the way off. Eventually, Clarke registered her breathing evening out. She was finally able to draw a breath that cascaded right through her chest, enough to give her the satisfaction that the panic attack had passed. She sat for a moment, taking in what had just happened. She knew it was inevitable, that she couldn’t expect her anxiety to confine itself to her bedroom forever. Just for a second, she allowed herself to bask in a sense of pride, for dealing with the situation better than she could have ever anticipated doing so.  _

_ A few moments passed, and she drew out her phone. There were a few messages from Bellamy and Raven, who she realised she’d upped and left on the table in a hurry. She reassured them that she was okay, and blamed the workload overwhelming her. Next, she text her mum - nothing too intrinsic, just telling her that she missed and loved her. Finally, she took a second to realise the time. It was late, late enough that Lexa would be finishing her piano practice for the day. She opened their message thread and took a moment to read through their latest exchange. It was nothing particularly compelling - Lexa had sent Clarke the link to a Buzzfeed quiz that determined which breed of dog you were based on your Starbucks order, under the premise that this was how they were going to determine their future dogs. Clarke still hadn’t gotten round to completing it. _

_ Faltering, she debated whether texting her girlfriend was a good idea. She’d already done so much since everything had fallen apart around Clarke. She’d cooked for them, watched movies with Clarke when she couldn’t sleep, sent her resources for grief therapy, as well as a few on campus therapists she thought Clarke may benefit from. All whilst Clarke continued to use her for her outlet for her pain - she hated it. It was unintentional, but Lexa was always  _ **_there._ ** _ She assured Clarke she always would be, and so she continued to bear the brunt of Clarke’s pain. She claimed she bears it so Clarke’s friends didn’t have to. It was noble of her really, and once the tsunami waves of grief calmed, Clarke was sure to always apologise to Lexa and reassure her how much she loves her. She knew it wasn’t healthy, but neither was any aspect of Clarke’s life right now.  _

_ Eventually, after a few minutes of reminiscing and reminding herself to start appreciating her girlfriend more, Clarke texts Lexa asking if she’d come over after her practice wraps. She didn’t say much else, just that she’d had a rocky day and needed a hug, but she understood if she wanted to just go home to bed. No sooner had Clarke hit send, her phone lit up with a message alert from Lexa telling her that she missed her, and would love nothing more than to come over tonight. She even promised to bring take out.  _

_ Finally regaining some composure, Clarke headed back to the table that was currently alive with arguments between Raven and Bellamy over computer terminology that she most definitely did not understand. Using this as her out, she quickly gathered her things and excused herself, explaining how Lexa was coming back to her dorm. She ignored the concerned glances her friends were currently sporting, and instead assured them she was fine before practically sprinting for the nearest exit. The fresh air was a welcome relief for her; she took a few moments to stand and let herself just...be. The exhaustion was slowly creeping in, it always did after a panic attack, so Clarke was quick to let the moment pass her by and head back to her dorm room. She’d never been so thankful for the fact she was allocated a single room this year, leaving her free from the worries of having to get a roommate out for some much needed peace and quiet.  _

_ / _

_ Lexa had arrived roughly ten minutes after Clarke got back, leaving the blonde with just enough time to change into a pair of sweatpants, take off her make-up and throw her hair up in a messy bun. She knew Lexa always adored the way her blonde baby hairs adorned her face - she said it made her look as though she was glowing. Something that was always sure to make Clarke blush before she buried herself in the crook of Lexa’s neck, revelling in the scent of familiarity.  _

_ True to her word, Lexa arrived with a bag full of Chinese food. She’d gotten all their favourites, under the premise that they’d both been working hard and deserved a treat. They wasted no time in loading their plates full of noodles, egg rolls and chilli chicken before taking residence on Clarke’s spacious double bed. They ate quietly, the sound of Netflix filling in the silence so they didn’t have to. Both were visibly exhausted, they’d been so frantic with deadlines, extra-curricular activities for Lexa and Clarke trying desperately to get her shit together, it was all beginning to catch up with them. _

_ Clarke drew a noticeable breath, as though about to say something, before exhaling and going back to eating, eyes trained solely on her plate. ‘Clarke? What’s up?’ Lexa pushed, she was used to Clarke being reserved these days in these quiet moments between the pair, but she was trying hard to get her girlfriend to push through her new found walls and express her feelings again. ‘It’s nothing babe, honestly’ the blonde didn’t feel like recalling her earlier experience in the bathroom - she just wanted one night where everything felt normal again.  _

_ ‘Clarke, please tell me. I just want to help,’ Lexa pleaded. It broke her heart to know her girlfriend was suffering, and honestly just wanted to provide any and every support she could. _

_ ‘It’s nothing big, I just...I had a panic attack before. It happened in the library. It’s not like I’m not used to panic attacks, because I am. It’s just...they’ve never happened in public before. It’s usually when I’m here, on my own. It just threw me off, I don’t want to start having them in public. It’s bad enough here, you know? But I can manage them here, when it’s just me. But if it happens in pub-’  _

_ ‘Clarke, you’re rambling. Just take a breath, it’s okay.’ Lexa cut her off before she could get too deep inside her own head. She made a point of gathering their plates and setting them on Clarke’s bedside table, giving the pair space to be closer. She opened her arms, inviting Clarke to rest on her chest. ‘It happened, and you dealt with it, and I’m so proud of you for that. I’m also really proud that you told me. That takes courage. But we aren’t going to catastrophize this - maybe it was just a one off. You’ve been so stressed with work, it was bound to creep up eventually. Even if it does happen more than once when you’re anywhere but in here, we’ll deal with it. You know you can always talk to me, wherever I am. If you need me, you call me. Or you text me. Send a carrier pigeon if you feel obliged! I’m always here. There’s no leaving each other.’ Lexa’s words evoked a few tears from Clarke - she whimpered gently as Lexa combed through the fallen strands of hair at the nape of her neck. Clarke was so grateful for Lexa - she always knew exactly what to say to help. _

_ Clarke rose from her spot atop her girlfriend, lifting herself to meet Lexa’s eyeline. She took a few seconds to study her face; the way her eyebrows scrunched ever so slightly. Clarke had grown to understand she does this when she’s concerned. The way her eyes were catching the dim light her room light put out - the blonde was sure that if she stared long enough, she’d get lost in them. Lexa’s lips - arguably Clarke’s favourite part of her face. They were raised in a slight smile. Her cheeks sported a slight blush, embarrassed at the way Clarke was unabashedly taking her in. ‘I love you Lex, you know that right?’ At this, Lexa had to look away to hide her smile. Something that always made Clarke fucking melt. _

_ ‘I love you too Clarke, which is why I’m always here. I know things are difficult, but I drunkenly promised to treat your needs as my own, and your people as mine. If I’ve adapted to dealing with Raven and Octavia once they’re seven tequila slammers down each, I can help you deal with your stuff.’  _

_ ‘I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you Lex, but I thank every single star in the sky that the universe brought me to you.’ The pair regressed into bed together - Clarke reassuming her position of laying on Lexa’s chest. The brunette’s steady heartbeat bringing her frantic one back down to normal. She planted kisses across Lexa’s chest, before moving up to her neck. Her intentions were pure though, only wanting to show her girlfriend just how much she loved and appreciated her. Clarke couldn’t imagine life without Lexa, and hopefully she’d never have to find out. _

* * *

 

By the time Clarke awoke the next morning, she’d completely forgotten what she’d done the night previous. Not as a result of drinking too much - she’d only taken a swig or two more following the text she sent to Lexa. She just wasn’t alert yet. The clock on her bedside table informed her it was quarter past eleven, the earliest she’d been awake in months. She gave herself a moment to stretch, revelling in the sound of her joints cracking under the movement. Looking over at the light peaking through the half closed blackout blind atop her window, she smiled. The sun was shining, and for once she felt oddly motivated to make something of her day.

However, her newfound solitude was short lived, graciously crashing and burning the second she reached for her phone to check her notifications. Embedded in a blue bubble in their conversation thread, it was there - arguably the biggest mistake Clarke had made in months. She cursed loudly for a few minutes until she checked a third time, just to be sure her barely awake state hadn’t imagined her sending the message. She’d have been so lucky. To make matters worse, the read receipt under it indicated that Lexa had read the message approximately five minutes after Clarke had sent it. She’d seen it, and chosen not to reply. Clarke’s stomach sank in disappointment. She couldn’t be shocked, and certainly didn’t have any right to be disappointed. Yet, she was. As much as she knew she’d hurt Lexa, she so desperately wanted her back in her life. 

As quickly as it came, the motivation she’d awoken with dissipated. Instead, was replaced by the burning urge to hurt herself. To hit that self destruct and never look back. She was just so,  _ so  _ mad at herself.  _ She was the sole cause of her relationship falling apart. Lexa was innocent. Except, she wasn’t. She promised Clarke she’d always be there for her, that they were in this together. Until one day Lexa wasn’t in it anymore under the belief that she deserved better.  _ Again, Clarke couldn’t really argue with that. 

Clearly concerned, Raven let a shy knock rattle through Clarke’s door before calling out for her. ‘Clarke? Are you okay? It’s just, O and I heard you shouting and we’re pretty sure there’s no one else in there with you for to shout at and it’s just we got pretty worried because we don’t usually hear a word out of you until 2pm.’ Raven was rambling, just like Clarke did when she was anxious. It was apparently a habit they’d developed together. 

Raven’s monologue left Clarke torn - on one hand, she could say that she was just in a bad mood. Recluse further into herself. She could spend the day hurting herself in as many ways as she could think of, she deserved it as far as she was concerned. This idea seemed tangible, maybe even ideal, until Clarke looked down at the bare arms laying atop her duvet. They were littered with scars; some were thin, white faint lines. Others were fresher - red, thick, angry scars from where she’d recently drank too much Malbec and needed something more. The sight made her feel sick. She’d remembered in high school when a few of her peers had tried to cut themselves, something about a new show on Netflix encouraging it. She’d pitied them, for she could never imagine herself purposely inflicting harm on herself. If only fifteen year old Clarke could see herself now. Her mind jumped to visions of Lexa helping her clean fresh wounds, telling her that she needed to stop doing this to herself. Assuring her that not only was it counter-productive, it wasn’t helping anything. Lexa even went as far as searching every crevice of Clarke’s room for anything she could use to hurt herself with, and confiscate them.  That memory didn’t linger long, but it was enough. Enough to make Clarke realise that just because she hadn’t gotten the outcome she’d wanted, doesn’t mean she got to lash out. Instead, she told Raven to meet her in their living room in ten minutes, and she’d explain. 

* * *

 

Lexa’s alarm sounded at 7am sharp, just like it always does. Costia gently woke up, trying to convince Lexa to skip her morning run because the bed would be cold without her, just like she always does. Lexa placed a soft kiss on Costia’s forehead and told her to go back to sleep, assured her that she’d be back before she knew it. Just like she always was. 

She didn’t stop to check her notifications that morning, itching to get out, run, and join her girlfriend in bed again as quickly as possible. Whilst switching to her music app, she noticed her phone was open on a message tab - she figured it was the same message that woke her up four hours earlier. She’d swiped her messages closed before she had a chance to see who it was from, and what on earth they could possibly have wanted from her at such an hour, but made a mental note to check it later. With that, she continued onto her familiar route and ran until her heart was content - she mused on how she didn’t need much in life to be happy. She was working towards a degree she’d grown to love, a girlfriend who she couldn’t imagine life without and a set of friends that she loved like they were her family. No, Lexa really didn’t need much else to be content. 

* * *

 

‘Okay so, we’ve ruled out the following: there was no intruder trying to climb through your window, no scary movie on the tv, no jump scare ads on a youtube video and no one in your room for you to kick out. So what was with the cursing Griff?’ Octavia enquired. 

Clarke paused for a minute - internally debating whether or not she actually wanted to tell her two best friends the truth on what really caused her to shout at nothing at so early on a Sunday morning. She really didn’t want to lie anymore though - she was tired of becoming caught up in her webs of carefully strung out lies, until she eventually ended up drowning on them. Texting Lexa meant something more than just missing her. It meant Clarke missed how things used to be, before everything she knew fell apart. She wasn’t going to be able to work to get that back unless she started being honest with people. ‘Okay so, you can’t yell at me’ she began. ‘I’d just like to add that I was drunk when this happened. Not black out drunk, but drunk enough to trigger a lapse in my judgement’.

‘Now there’s a surprise’ Raven chimed, her tone thick with sarcasm.

‘Shut up Raven’ Octavia jabbed her in the ribs before she’d had the chance to roll her eyes in Clarke’s face. ‘Alright Clarke, we get it. You were drunk. What on earth could you have done that was so awful?’

‘Well….I…’ Suddenly, Clarke found herself at a loss for words. She didn’t know if she was ready to admit that she’d texted Lexa, scared to see her friends reactions. 

‘Come on Griff, spit it out. We’re your best friends, we aren’t going to judge you,’ the previously frustrated Raven tried to offer as comfort.

‘Okay...well...I-I texted Lexa,’

‘You did WHAT?!’ Both Raven and Octavia cried out in unison. 

* * *

Lexa arrived back at her apartment feeling refreshed. It was just after nine; deciding to elongate her run in order to bask in the warm sun on her skin meant she’d gotten back later than usual. She opened the door to the smell of fresh cooking and the sound of Costia blaring music from the kitchen. It made Lexa smile, this really was how happiness felt. After taking her shoes off and putting them on the rack placed carefully next to their front door, because Lexa was just a teeny tiny bit of a clean freak, she continued forward toward the kitchen. The sight before her was enough to make her heart stop for a second or two. Costia was in one of her old shirts, notably one that used to belong to Clarke.  _ It was the first piece of Clarke’s clothing Lexa took when they first got together, she said she wanted something to sleep in when Clarke wasn’t there, so they could still be together. _ Costia didn’t know the finer details of the shirt. 

Regardless of who it once belonged to, it was now hanging loosely off Costia’s slim build. Lexa continued her eyes down - she noted that her girlfriend was wearing nothing but the shirt and a pair of Calvin Klein underwear Lexa had bought her last Christmas. The sight was beautiful; Costia seemed so happy, so carefree. She continued watching for a minute or two, not wishing to burst her girlfriends evident bubble. Instead, she assumed a position of a fly on the wall; watching as her girlfriend shook her hips to whichever song came on shuffle next as she poured freshly made pancake mix into the pan, flipping them two times a side, before adding them to a steadily growing stack. Five minutes of watching her girlfriend be her authentic self, and Lexa realised she was in love. That she wanted nothing more but to be greeted to this every single Sunday. Even when realising this however, she couldn’t quite place the faint ache in her chest that came with understanding she wanted a future with Costia. She ignored it, instead choosing to burst her girlfriends bubble and sneak up behind her.

Wrapping her slender arms around Costia’s waist, she elicited a yell from her clearly startled girlfriend. ‘Lex!’ Costa shouted ‘how long have you been here?!’

‘Long enough to witness you dancing to Greedy...I’d even go as far as saying long enough to conclude your moves give Ariana Grande herself a run for her money.’ She joked before dipping a finger into the yogurt sat next to a tray of fresh fruit Costia had clearly prepared prior to the pancakes. She couldn’t help but laugh at how shy this made Costia, knowing how much she hated being embarrassed. 

Having pressed a quick kiss to Costia’s lips before allowing her to resume what she was doing, Lexa retreated to sitting comfortably atop the kitchen island. ‘I spotted a really cute coffee shop on my run today, we should check it out next week’ she mused, watching Costia continue to add the finishing touches to their breakfasts. ‘That sounds lovely, let's check it out sometime next week. But now, we eat!’ 

At Costia’s command, the pair playfully made their way to their living space, before deciding to bask in the sunshine whilst they still had it, and headed out to the balcony instead. They ate, discussed their schedules for the week and exchanged some light hearted jokes together. It was simple, it was what Lexa wanted. They fell so equally into place with each other; Lexa was the right amount of reserved and outspoken to match Costia - they could talk for hours over literature, world issues, basically anything that required some thinking. They could equally resign to bed after long days or busy weeks, both needing nothing more than the others presence and a rerun of friends to help them fall asleep easily. 

/

After breakfast, Costia had went and readied herself for a lunch date with someone from her class, something about needing to discuss an upcoming assignment together. Lexa told her to enjoy herself before slipping her $20, telling her get lunch on her as a treat. When Costia enquired into what she’d done to deserve such a gesture from her, Lexa responded through a cheeky smile that as her girlfriend, she deserves to be treated all the time. They’d spent a few minutes becoming lost amongst each other - time was running away from them, and Costia was going to be late. She fixed her make-up before hurrying out the door, shouting her love for Lexa as she went. Lexa closed the door behind her girlfriend, laughing in the process. She really did love Costia, and she was grateful that she was able to find love again, despite how much her brain had convinced her otherwise. 

Having the afternoon to herself with no real plans, Lexa resigned herself to the sofa with a book. She was currently reading Prozac Nation, a book she’d been recommended by one of her lecturers under the assumption that it was right up Lexa’s street. Admittedly, it was. She loved narratives about people eventually finding themselves, finding peace. Only, she couldn’t help but finding herself likening protagonist Elizabeth to Clarke. They shared the same destructive tendencies, the same helplessness, the same attitude to life. Lexa could only hope that Clarke would eventually grow to share her recovery journey. 

She lost herself in her book; it was nearly three in the afternoon and she still hadn’t checked her phone. She couldn’t even remember where she’d put it after she’d come back from her run - being too distracted with Costia and breakfast to recall such menial details. Eventually, she found it amidst the pile of clothing she’d shed before her shower, making a mental note to tidy them up later. 

Much like she’d expected, there was nothing particularly interesting happening in the virtual world of iMessage, Whatsapp and Snapchat. Anya and Lincoln had left a series of entertaining snaps in their group Snapchat, both seeing who could look the most ridiculous with the latest filters. A few facebook notifications indicated Costia had tagged her in a collection of Buzzfeed articles, dog memes and competitions. A fellow classmate had emailed her, asking for her help on an assignment, to which she happily obliged. After mindlessly scrolling through her instagram feed, double tapping some questionable post-party pictures her friends had posted whilst presumably still drunk, she resorted to checking her messages. There was nothing out of the ordinary - her parents posted in their family group chat wishing her a happy weekend and asking after her, Anya text her asking if she wanted to grab dinner some night that week, and her newest acquaintance Ontari text her to thank her for being so gracious upon their first meeting. 

Ontari was new to the University, having just moved to New York with her family. She was lost on campus and had approached Lexa asking for directions to the art building. On her way there already, Lexa offered to walk with her and give her a tour of the campus as they went. Ontari was grateful for this - she relayed how anxious she was to be feeling like a very, very small fish in an overbearingly large pond, it wasn’t easy being the new girl in the middle of a school year. Lexa felt sorry for her, and gave her her number under the promise of introducing Ontari to her group of friends later that week so she could settle in. 

Lexa thought that she was up to date with her replies until she recalled the message that woke her up the night previous. She pondered who it could’ve been off until she re-opened her messages. The number that sent it wasn’t saved - she thought it could have just been a pizza place trying to guide the drunken cohorts of students littered around the city to order from their establishment. She was ready to delete the text without paying it much mind until she saw the phrase ‘i miss you’ in the preview screen. Something told her that no matter how long her current cleanse was lasting, no pizza joint would be texting her so heartfeltly. She opened the message thread and quickly glanced over the words on her phone screen. In an instant, she could feel her blood boil. How  _ dare  _ Clarke try to text her. Her last words to Lexa had been to never speak to her again. It was Clarke who blocked Lexa on all social media following their break up. She didn’t even give Lexa a chance to process what was happening before she completely cut her off. She seethed and decided she wasn’t about to give Clarke that power over her again. 

Lexa continued to stare at her phone in anger for a few more minutes, pondering her next move. She considered just deleting the text and pretending it never happened, until she realised her read receipts would indicate the fact she’d opened it, and Clarke would know she was choosing to ignore her. Her next option was to ring Clarke, to scream at her and tell her how she doesn’t get to do this. How she doesn’t get to miss her, not after all she put Lexa through. Instead, she decided to be rational, to take the mature approach to the situation. She opened her notes app up and drew a draft text, wanting to make her point crystal clear. Once happy with her response, she reverted back to the open conversation thread, still seething over Clarke’s text being the sole message in the whole chat. She tapped the text bubble once, making the paste option appear once before she had her reply typed out. Reading over once more for good luck, she ensured it was just what she wanted to get across. 

**To: Unknown Number**

Clarke. I wish I could say I was surprised that you were drunk, but it’s nice to see things still haven’t changed in your path of destruction. Regardless, I hope you’re doing better these days. I’m afraid I can’t offer you the answer you were clearly looking for. I can’t sit here and lie to you - I can’t wax lyrical about how much I miss you, how much I’ve been waiting for you to finally be mature enough to talk to me, because I haven’t. I don’t miss you Clarke. You’re a part of my past for a reason. Please don’t contact me again, because that wouldn’t be good for either of us. Take care. Lexa.

She knew that it was harsh, and entirely not true - she missed Clarke, she just couldn’t allow herself to dwell on it. It wasn’t fair on her. Instead of letting her mind slip to that place, she hit send and put her phone in her room before taking up her space on the sofa again. She was too unsettled to pick her book up again, and instead opted for a nap. She shut her eyes, silently pleading for a dreamless sleep, and hoped Costia would be back when she woke up.

She was right - Clarke was part of her past and she couldn’t bring her to be part of her present. At least, she hoped she was right. 

__  
  



End file.
